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I love it when games give you the ability to choose your genitals. Not because of the glaringly obvious horny reasons but because, when games give you the ability to customize The Goods, it almost always leads to patch notes like the one we got in the latest Baldur’s Gate 3 hotfix.

Warning, this will be slightly Not Safe For Work

By Larian Studios’ count, the hotfix addresses over 300 bugs and issues, including one it put right at the top of the “Gameplay” section, letting you know this particular issue was at the tip top of developers’ minds. The hotfix reads:

“Penises C and D no longer clip through some githyanki clothing.”

Well, thank Tyr! I mean, really, how am I supposed to get anything done around Faerûn if penises C and D keep clipping through my bespoke githyanki apparel. Oh, you haven’t seen bespoke githyanki apparel? Here’s some, courtesy of Lae’zel.

This is what Lae’zel wears under her armor every day. I cannot imagine the chafing going on here.
Image: Larian Studios

Penises in video games are great because they are always clipping through something. A couple of years ago, Cyberpunk 2077 hadn’t gotten good yet, but everyone was still talking about it because it was essentially “Dick’s Out: The Game.” Conan Exiles became infamous for its genital options because not only did the game let you choose the size of your breasts or penis but it also applied its physics engine to your genitals, so whenever your character model flopped around with its ragdoll physics, guess what else was flopping around?

The patch, which also gives gnomes the ability to wear underwear again, should be available now, so be sure to turn on game updates.

Funny as this all is, though, I do actually have one serious thing to say about genital options in Baldur’s Gate 3: they don’t go far enough. With penises, there’s only circumcised or uncircumcised, with pubic hair or without, while the only vulva options are grass or bare pavement, if you catch my meaning.

I understand that, with the sheer size and variability of Baldur’s Gate 3, the developers had to pare down the game’s options somewhere. But just as you can customize nearly everything, right down to the color highlights on your Tiefling’s horns, you should be able to customize your junk. I don’t want to go full Conan Exiles with sliders and the like. But it’d be nice, affirming even, if BG3 genitals had more options, like a vulva with an enlarged clitoris, or a vulva with a puffy labia, small penises, large penises, or even a scrotum-only option. Furthermore, this is a fantasy game! Why are my options so boringly human? Where are the barbs? Where are the teeth?

Baldur’s Gate 3’s character creator is a fantastic step in the right direction for creating a truly inclusive, diverse character creator. The simple fact that these genital options are not locked to a gender is worth celebrating. I just hope that, in the future, if some developer wants to give us The Goods, they consider giving us some magic weapons instead of basic equipment.

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