Her husband also lost his job unexpectedly and she started baking cakes from her kitchen. The business grew slowly, providing enough for the family to get by. A tougher challenge was social ostracism and shame. They retreated into their shell. A few friends stood by them, but were soon shunned. This story is not about debt traps and recovery. It’s about how those in trouble want to be left alone. Even as other observers think they could do with some help.
Getting financial aid is not easy. Many, like my friend who brought others in when the initial shock of what was happening to her was too much to bear, soon decided to shut them all out. Based on his account and conversations with several others who have been in and out of serious financial trouble, I list some of their thoughts and perspectives.
First, the reaction to failure moves quickly from shock to shame. A friend literally traded and lost his entire retirement corpus. After voluntary retirement from a nationalized bank, he took up stock trading and dabbled in derivatives and margin trading. When he had nothing left, he didn’t tell anyone. Shame held him back. He swore family members to secrecy when he called me to tell them the terrible news. Shame is not an emotion to share.
Second, even when a person loses control, they want it all back. Denial is the dominant emotion over the textbook version of coming out with the truth. A distant relative dragged him to a club to gamble at cards every night, while insisting that he was not addicted but just too smart and made easy money. Even if the main player relents, the family moves to deny on his behalf. I’ve heard too many stories about how the criminal is innocent but has been robbed by others.
Third, getting an overdose of advice feels overwhelming. The cousin’s business was deeply in debt. After struggling to keep it alive, he decided to close. Through the ordeal, he struggled to cope with all the advice that came to him, many of which were very contradictory. Others generalize and oversimplify the issues, he said. But everyone who knew about the problem had advice to offer that wasn’t very helpful.
Fourth, failure goes through different stages. After denial and despair comes fear and desolation. Many people do not know how to communicate with others while going through this most difficult phase. They feel alone even among others and believe that no one really understands their situation. At this lowest stage, depression and death are common. An understanding family keeps a close watch and keeps everyone outside to protect the affected person. My friend stood by her husband and decided to keep out others who might shame her into depression. Fifth, recovery eventually occurs and is very slow. At that time, the family likes to oversee all aspects of recovery. It is enough to learn and bear during the difficult phase. Amid the fear of losing again, the family pulls back. Not everyone reacts quickly. many take years to regain stability. That journey is kept away from onlookers because those who work hard to recover like to own it completely. Gratitude is a burden in this context.
Sixth, the trauma of failure holds the perpetrator and family back not only financially, but psychologically and emotionally. Even if they have paid off debt, or have actually stopped a harmful habit or behavior, there is a fear of slipping back. Sometimes family members are not confident enough to recognize recovery. sometimes support members don’t feel safe enough to talk about recovery. Like PTSD, they are reliving the horror of the past. There is no way for outsiders to enter.
Seventh, outsiders are seen as judgmental, fear-mongering, ready to gossip or offer lip service. A niece who tragically lost her husband and was shunned by her in-laws and maternal family began to rebuild her life. He was afraid that everyone who knew him wasn’t really helpful, but just interested in peeking into his troubles and making fun of him. He refused to believe that it could not be true. Enough of that depressing account, we think. Aren’t we? It’s hard to lose money and it’s absolutely terrifying to face a steep loss. It’s just as hard for anyone else to even understand what it’s like to be in that situation. We may claim to understand, but we just don’t. Are there lessons to be learned from these stories?
First, everyone needs a confidant in personal financial matters. We’ve mentioned this before, and it’s time to emphasize that someone else needs to know intimately how you manage your money and what your true position is. A spouse, a parent, a sibling, a friend, a counselor—someone. Find and keep a financial advisor who is a sounding board for your thoughts and actions about money.
Second, if you’re not as trustworthy as the above, you can’t do much to help in a crisis situation. You can offer shoulder, ear or hand. But you shouldn’t expect to be solicited and engaged. Or maybe you’re not ready to get that involved. Find any of the signs we discussed. Ask some relevant questions. Let them come back to you. Don’t put yourself in a personal situation of distress.
Third, consider the possibility of intimate support groups. A small close-knit group of friends, colleagues, close relatives, cousins, siblings, who regularly meet, talk, eat, sing and have fun. You may not talk about finances and personal life, but you will know when something is wrong. You’ll be sharing posts with others who can also see what you’re doing, and you can offer help and support when needed. Being financially broke is a nightmare. Be compassionate and sensitive and give them support along with the space they are looking for.
(Author is CHAIRMAN, INVESTMENT EDUCATION AND TRAINING CENTER)
[ad_2]